This morning, is the city festival kick-off parade.

The parade in which I haven’t been home for in about 10 years (at least).

Our house is on the parade route.

I thought I’d get up and watch the people go by from the comfort of my porch.

Severe thunderstorm.

I walk out onto my porch and there is the ENTIRE group from a local bowling alley (complete with parrot mascot in costume).

Good times on the porch, good times on the porch.

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel’s tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies’ lazy dance.
I’ll let you know I’m with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts.
‘Cause even though I’m gone now,
We’ll never truly part.

So I haven’t been the best about updating. Sue me.

I’ve kind of been a rut lately and I’m hoping its just nerves about the RE appt or about matt leaving for the summer. I’ve been moody and cranky as hell. I’m not entirely sure what’s up with all of it.

Anywho, we’re back from California and we had a fantastic time. We hung out with a few west coast nesties and it was awesome putting a face/voice with a name! Everyone was so friendly and hospitable (esp megan and ray, they opened their house, drove their car and introduced the sights!)

We saw so much! I think my top 5 things were:

5)Disneyland (more specifically, watching Matt experience Disney for the first time). We had good food and fun and to watch my grown husbands face during the fireworks—priceless!

4)All of the good food: Esp those freaking strawberries. Yum!

3) Seeing all of the sights (Carmel, Monterey, Santa Cruz, Big Sur, Sausalito, San Francisco, Anaheim, San Juan, Capitola, etc).

2) Meeting some awesome people who I’ve known FOREVER (or at least it feels that way). My dad thought I was crazy for going out to spend time with people that “(you) don’t really know at all” but as I explained the situation, he changed his tone to “that’s really awesome though!”. 5 years ago I think he would have gone through the roof (he’s a little protective of his baby girl) but now that he’s actually gotten more active online he realizes that you can meet people (and be “friends” with them) that are really awesome.

and lastly

1) Spending time with matt on our “honeymoon”/first real vacation together/last real time together before he leaves for work (he’s gonna be gone for 3 months).

Matt’s top 5 list:
5)The general experience of going to Disney. Atmosphere, people, activities, people saying “happy birthday” to me when I had my button….everyone was just excited and happy to be there….except the select few!

4) Space Mountain. It was just unique and different, unlike any other rollercoaster I’ve ever been on.

(interject, i made him screw up on his video game because I’m harassing him about his top 5 list)

3)Meeting all of (your) friends. It was awesome to see people who knew all about the way cool things to see and do. It helped us see and do things we probably wouldn’t have done on our own.

2) Strawberry Daquiri night. Nothing like getting drunk on serious fruit drinks and then playing monopoly!

1) San Francisco. It was the best touring experience I’ve ever had. I saw things I might not have ever seen in my life otherwise.

(interject: I asked him why I wasn’t on his top five list..his reply: “Because I always like spending time with you and I shouldn’t have to write it on some list!”)

:laughs:

In other news, my first RE appt is Wednesday. I know that I’m not really going to get any answers at this point, but part of me wishes I’ll go in, they’ll look me over and say “oh, just take x vitamin and you’ll be ku instantly!”

Wouldn’t that be nice?
I’m gonna put a poll up somewhere to see what people think. :sighs: Ok, I’m going to bed for the night, I’m beat!

Today, I am bitter.

I feel I have the right to be.

Today I should be celebrating my first mothers day as a mommy. I should be taking pictures of my glowing, smiling face holding my now-emerged baby bump. I should be sitting here, with the soon-to-be first time grandparents, ooooing and aaahing over ultrasound pictures and talking about my upcoming baby shower.

I should be counting down the days til full-term, a sigh of relief for all pregnant women.

Instead, I sit here, less than a week away from my 26th birthday. I sit here, 3 weeks (or so) away from my first appointment with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist). Today, I sit here, unsure if I will ever celebrate a mothers day with my own biological children.

Will I ever wake up to the sound of my children giggling as they bring me burnt toast as part of my breakfast in bed? Will I ever hear “I love you mommy!”?

I don’t know.

I do know that I will never forget this feeling. This feeling of isolation and emptiness. I will never forget the struggles and pains of my sisters struggling with the heartaches on mothers day and on fathers day.

There is nothing more natural than reproducing, but for so many of us, the most natural thing in the world escapes us. But yet we feel alone. We feel broken. We are constantly reminded of our losses, of our failures, of the gaping holes in our lives.

There isn’t a season where we aren’t reminded of the fact that we are infertile.

Spring: New life, rebirth, Easter Bunny, Easter Baskets, (in my case) being another year older, Mothers Day, Cute easter outfits

Summer: End of school, family vacations, parades, fourth of july parties, kids running around in sprinklers and parks, adorable babies–wearing only diapers–covered in watermelon, fathers day

Fall: Return to school, halloween, carving pumpkins, grandparents day, thanksgiving, trick-or-treating

Winter: Christmas morning, New Years, Holiday Cards, pictures with santa, Decorating the tree, Valentines day…

For those of us suffering the weight of empty arms, every day is a reminder, some more painful than others.

For those of us trying to recover from pregnancy losses, each day is a reminder of what we tasted and no longer have. We try to stay positive and we try not to dwell, but each special day is a reminder of what everyone else has and we have only memories of.

So instead of celebrating my first mothers day, I’m saying to all of you, let the rest of the world wish you happy mothers day, don’t hate me if I don’t share in their freely given warm wishes.

The rest of the appointment was total fuucking crap. What a waste of my time.

First of all, it was exactly an HOUR after my appt time when they called me back there. In that hour, they printed off my medical history and had me look over it to see if I needed any corrections. Um, ok. I’ve never had to do that before, but w/e.

My medical history was so screwed up. They left my brother’s chron’s disease off, they switched the smoking and drinking questions and had wrong values in for them.

So I was called back. The nurse (with my medical history right in front of her) asked when my last period was. I told her. She replied with “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” :headdesk: See that line right there with last week’s date? Yeah, that’s a quant beta draw. So unless I got ku in the last week, yeah, i’m pretty sure. (I actually replied with a sweet “As of last Thursday’s beta I wasn’t” She replied with “Oh, so your cycles aren’t regular then?” :headdesk: “You fucking idiot, that’s why on my medical history my cycle length is noted at “at minimum 30 days, but varies greatly” (Sweet replied: “No, that’s partially why I’m here”)

She went over some other stuff but then left me with the gown of doom.

Doctor comes in and says “so tell me about yourself”

I give him my basic history, when i went on the pill, when I went off, etc etc. He says “when was your last period?” I told him. He replied with “are you sure you’re not pregnant?” (Ok at this point I’m going to fucking kill someone). I reminded him about the beta and he says “and it was negative?”

Well then to summarize what he says next basically boils down to “I’m going to recommend you see an RE and come back to me when you’re pregnant”.

To go a little more in detail he said “you’re not ovulating because you’re overweight and i could give you clomid, but since you’re overweight I can’t monitor you that well” He then went into describing how clomid works (really? it tricks your body into producing estrogen? Do tell me more!) and repeated himself about not being able to help me in his office a couple more times. I countered with “well, I’m going to check with my insurance, but if an RE is not covered, what are we going to do?” He kind of sighed, gave me a face and replied with “Well, I suppose we could try it anyways and do the best we can here”.

Yeah, thanks.

He then repeated himself again about “if you were my daughter, I’d tell you to go see a RE and come back to me when you’re pregnant”.

He then asked “so are we going to do a pelvic exam today?”

No, you fuucking idiot, I’m wearing this awful gown because frankly, it turns me on.

He felt me up, probed me down and commented “You’ve got a great looking cervix” He took of his gloves, shook my hand and then told me to get dressed.

When I left, he handed me the standard drug info sheet for clomid and a horribly cheesy looking pamphlet ((c) 2000) entitled: “Evaluating Infertility”

Such was my afternoon.

I’m done trying to understand the uterus, I’m done trying so damn hard to run into frustration after frustration after frustration.
I’m done obsessing about what is coming in and out of my body.
I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all of it.

Someone stop the train, I’m getting off.

A whole lot of nothing. Seriously, if I’m not pregnant, that’s fine…just let me move on with my life!

I’ve spent more than I care to admit in tests and more time than I care to admit staring at them–all blank.

My chart says I o’d, everyone I’ve asked to look at it agrees. The only thing I can say is that perhaps I really didn’t o? I just don’t know.

I want to stop testing, but it’s compulsive now :laughs: I like having answers.

Although I’m trying not to get to excited, esp since my bfn this morning, but FF has officially given me the triphasic chart label.

Good sign? Idk, bfn makes me think not, but who knows, eh?

11dpo, good looking chart, questionable “symptoms”.

Waiting sucks.
TheBooDiddly Ovulation Charts

I may have posted it here already, but it was over a year ago and I can’t get it out of my head come lately.