Show and Tell

This week, as I enjoyed the 1 year anniversary from my trip to Tampa, I thought a lot about my crazy internet friends.    So, in their honor, I wanted to show everyone how awesome they are. 

Backstory:  So about 3-4 years ago, I started on thenest.com.  I began ttc, and started hanging out on BOTB. 

Then, getting pregnant started dividing amongst the easily ku and the still not pregnant.  Those not pregnant yet, weren’t exactly welcomed on trouble ttc and they wanted their own board. 

The nest granted them their own board and ttc6+ was born.  I joined up with them and was home.  Crazy crazy women with amazing sense of humors and totally got where I was coming from.  We hung out together online for a few years and then the opportunity presented itself, a chance to fly down to Florida and spend a long weekend with a few of my “friends”.  

My “holy crap, this is the kind of shit they talk about on 20/20 and 48 hours, wtf are you thinking flying to another state to stay with people you don’t know, your mother will KILL you!”  warning sensor kicked in.  However, I soon realized that if they had been plotting for almost 3 years to lure me down and have their way with me, they deserved to get what they had coming.   So I got on a plane and made my way to Florida.

What a fantastic time.  Callie and Mandy were amazing hosts.  We went out on the boat in the gulf of mexico.  We drank, we swam, we rode, we caught star fish, we rode around some more and we even “chased” dolphins.  How awesome. 

We then went to Busch Gardens and had a fantastic time.  Seriously, a blast.  We rode coasters, we drank beer, we did the zoo bit, we people watched, we got soaked and we even saw Shaq walking around.  (“Dude, that guy is REALLY tall!”)

What a fantastic time I had. 

Then, Mr M and I decided we wanted to finally take our long-awaited honeymoon and we decided to go out to California.  What a large amount of nesties exist in California!

We hooked up with Dip, Staycee and May at Disneyland

Then May took us (Mr M and I) home with her and her H where they showed us a good time in NorCal.  We even got to meet Chrys!

We toured Big Sur, Carmel and Monterey.  What fun!

So, I’d like to show off my internet friends.  Yes, I still have friends irl, but most of them don’t get it.  They don’t get the heartbreak and choices you have to make when faced with IF related ttc issues.  They don’t get the sting of yet another month passing by and another pregnancy announcement.  They don’t get the internal battle of being happy and hating your friends when they end up pregnant. 

Without my bitter bitches 🙂  I don’t know how I’d have stayed sane. 

(To everyone else I haven’t met IRL yet, there’s always the next vacation!)

(one of my favorite pictures ever)

So I’m torn

I’m standing on the precipice.

Realistically, we could scrounge around $300 a month or so. Things would get tight, but we could do it.  Maybe not this month, but we could do it.

However, I wanted to start seeing a counselor.  I wanted to start doing yoga.  I wanted to join a gym and eat healthier.  I wanted to take a trip with my husband.

These are all things that cost money.

Do I jump into medication and u/s and IUI or do I  go about living my life and give it a little time (while stashing away money when we can).

On one hand, I want to be pregnant yesterday and on the other, I know it would only be good if I was in a better place (seeing a counselor, etc)

What to do, what to do.

In other news, MrM comes home tomorrow!

Show and Tell

As a preschool teacher, I have had my share of show and tell.  Normally it’s listening to a nervous 3 year old go on and on and on and on about the sticker he found on the playground last week and has kept in his (oh so grimy) pants pocket.

However, this is my turn for the show and tell, my very first turn and I’m very excited.

This week, for show and tell, I’d like to present :drumroll:

My husband! Mr M–meet the bloggers–bloggers–Mr. M.

It was a dark and stormy night, back in 2000-something or other when I met Mr M.  I was way into his roommate at the time.  We all hung out together and life was grand.

I started dating his roommate (yes, I was that sorority girl..I apologize now to my panhellenic sisters, I didn’t help the sterotype)  and hanging out with Mr. M.  He was like that guy in every chick flick, the one everyone always steps all over.  We were friends and he would talk to me and tell me how great I was for his roommate and how lucky his roommate was to have me.

Things ended with the roommate (although on a platonic note) and we all still hung out.  Then I realized I was getting the tingly feelings for Mr. M.  Why? I don’t know 🙂  He’s a giant nerd and we were such good friends and blah blah blah.

I wrote him an email (yes, I realize that’s lame, but it was the early 2000’s and I was barely 20, give me a break!) and told him how I felt.  He wrote me back and said, among other things, that while I was an amazing woman, he valued our friendship so much, he knew he’d screw up a relationship.  He sign it, (ready for this, seriously, are you ready?)

“With love only a friend can have, Mr M”

A whole year later we are talking about marriage.

He puts up with a lot of my shit and trust me, there has been a lot.  This whole IF business has been really hard on both of us and we’ve taken these 3 years to really get to know each other.  We can do our own things and still be together.  We are learning and changing because of each other and our marriage.  He’s helped me face a lot of my demons and I’ve done the same for him.

I know, this is way out of character for me–this girly bullshit–but stay with me.

He is an amazing guy and last summer we spent the summer apart.  After all, I was in Georgia working and he was in Michigan.  However, my summer went so fast and before I knew it, three months were over.  This year, I’ve done the grown up thing and found a steady, year-round job and I saw him off on his summer-long working adventure.

I miss him.  I do.

Don’t get me wrong, there are DEF. things I don’t miss about him, AT ALL.  I can come and go where and when I want.  I can choose whatever I want for dinner, watch what I want for movies/tv and if I want to hog the pillows or the fan, I can.

However, I dealt with the passing of what should have been my due date–alone.  I helped my friend bring her little boy into the world and came home and cried–alone.  I climb into an empty bed and no one is happy to see me when I come home.  I leave the tv or the movies on in the background, just to hear the sound of another persons voice.  I miss the sound of his voice, the feel of his touch and having someone to vent about my day with.

He’s coming home next week and we’re facing the “wtf do we do now” choices now.  It’s going to be a rough road, but I’m looking forward to facing it together.

To leave you, a few of my favorite pictures of Mr M.

Us, May 2009, finally on our honeymoon (Disneyland)

Walking around downtown, taking wedding pictures

May, 2009  @ Big Sur

Being the good husband/friend/photography assistant (shooting one of my best friends weddings), September 2008

I convinced him to put on a Biore strip.  Then I convinced him to let me take a picture *giggles*

*****Show and Tell is sponsored by Mel @ Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters***

So much for hopping on that train

I called the RE back and checked to see what our “plan” was.

Plans, they are a funny thing.

I plan on going back to Europe.  I plan on losing weight.  I plan on staying on top of the housework.  I plan on getting pregnant.

I asked the nurse about the second SA.  She tells me “we can do the second semen (:giggle:) analysis when you come in for the IUI..knock out two birds with one stone!”

Whoa whoa whoa–back the stoned bird train UP.

We talked about IUI, we talked about IVF.  However, those were like way in the future.  Like years in the future.  It wasn’t even a plan yet, it was a plan-let.  That plan-let was so far in the future, so immature a plan, that it was on the dusty shelf with the “dern my socks” plan.  (Does anyone even do that anymore? Do I have the right word?  Is anyone listening?)

I stopped her in her catheter shoving, cervix dilating, beer-bong of sperm tracks.

I told her I wasn’t comfortable jumping that far ahead first, after all, I played Dr M, medicine women last fall, mixing up my own concoction of herbs, teas, vitamins and timed sexing and ended up pregnant.  I did it once, I can do it again, surely with the help of our little pill.  5 simple little pills.

What’s that you say?  Simple?  My life?  Ha!

I asked her about what all was involved in the clomid cycle, reminded her that I have no infertility coverage.  Here is the following convo:

She said “Well, we will only have you come in for a baseline u/s”

“Is any of that covered by my insurance?”

“Unfortunately, no–once we give you drugs, we have to code it as infertility”

“Um–ok?  There’s no part of it covered?”

“No”

“So how much are we talking?”

“$250 for the baseline u/s”

“Wow.  Ok…how many times will I have to come in to be checked throughout the cycle?”

“He doesn’t want to monitor you”

I suddenly have flashes of the day I jokingly had my palm read at a fair.  The lady said I’d have 13 kids.  I laughed and called her a kook.  :shudder:

“So the baseline u/s, then the prescription and then nothing?”

“Yeah”

“Hmmm ok…”

“Dr ColdFingers doesn’t routinely monitor during a cycle with only clomid, as most of our patients pay out of pocket and it’s not usually necessary”

“Ok, so since we’ve already started talking the big bucks, how much are we talking for an IUI?”

“$425 for an IUI and a semen wash”

At this point, I think to myself—I might as well actually involve a penis in this process as I’m getting screwed anyways.

“$425 for the IUI and the wash—plus an u/s?”

“Yes Ma’am.  There is at least one u/s involved”

“Plus the drugs?”

“Yes Ma’am”

“Anything else?”

“Dr Coldfingers checks your estridol levels after the IUI—that’ll be…$90”

“Ok”

“If you have any other questions, let us know! Call us when you start your period and we’ll get you started!”

Hmmmm, last I checked, I don’t have any plans on winning the lottery in the next two weeks.

I’m so unbelievably pissed today, I cried at work, in the office—I cried on my lunch break, I cried during office hours.  I’m so mad.  I’m so FREAKING mad.  All of this money put into insurance and for NOTHING.

I get not covering the clomid.  I get not covering an IUI.  I get not covering the multiple u/s’s leading up to an IUI or even just monitoring clomid.  I’ll even go as far as to say, with confidence, that I understand not covering a Semen Analysis.  After all a man that shoots blanks is otherwise healthy.

However, I do NOT get not covering the baseline u/s to make sure that my DOCUMENTED MEDICAL CONDITION THAT EFFECTS MORE THAN JUST MY FUCKING REPRODUCTIVE ABILITIES hasn’t flaired up.

Did I mention I cried today?

I would pay the money, I would gladly pay even thousands of dollars if they could PROMISE me a healthy baby.  But they can’t.  And that sucks.

Would you pay a grand+ for a lottery ticket?  I don’t think so.

So not only did I miss that train I unpacked my luggage.

Damn it all.

Welcome Blogger Bingo-ers!

How is everyone tonight?  Infertile?  Fantastic.

So I’ve been a royal punk about updating my blog and I’ve decided that I’m going to post more.  After all, I’ve started my 101 things to do in 1001 days and one of my goals is to participate in more IComLeavWe’s 🙂 This is like baby steps into that.  Er, bad choice of words–it’s like tiny person steps into that.

A little about myself for the newbies and a refresher for the old hags.

I’m 26, barren and slightly bitter.  My H is 25 and turning a little jaded as we speak.  We’ve been ttc since 12/06, 2 months after we were married.  Why?  Because apparently I’m a freaking psychic.  I told H “I’d rather get KU right away and have to go on the pill then to wait 5 years, decide we’re ready and end up having problems”  Ha freaking Ha.

So I was in denial for a long time :cough2yearscough: and finally made my visit with an RE.  I had gotten pregnant last october, but it ended in a m/c.  (Overall, I’ve dealt with it alright, but some days are worse than others).

I was 100% sure that I had pcos and that they were going to smack my ass and give me clomid.

They pop my feet in the stirrups and as the RE is talking and the tech is probing (and H is feeling inadequate, thanks to the monster dildocam) I see it.  The most jewelry I’ve ever worn at one time.  Two beautiful pearl necklaces.

Damn.

Even though I was expecting it, it still sucked seeing it.  I put my pants on and make my way to the office.

So we sit down with the RE and he asks me “M–has anyone gone over the results of your SA?”

I chuckle, because deep down, I’m a 12 year old boy.  I reply “nope”, expecting a green light.

“It’s a miracle you even got pregnant in the first place”

Say WHAT?!!

Apparently H’s numbers are low.  Low quantity, low motilitity but FANTASTICALLY shaped.  So basically, as I explained it to my 82 year old grandmother, “He’s got like a handful of gorgeous sperm, but they are lazy and bad with directions”

Then, as fast as he was deemed lacking in the sperm department, H was gone.  No, not permanently, but for the next 3 months.

Flashforward to today.

3 months have passed, I’ve helpd one of my best friends bring forth her second child (who, as if a m/c isn’t hard enough on its own) was due within days of my MacKenna, I’ve been busting my butt at work, H has been taking his vitamins every day and my cycle has somehow managed to regulate itself (30 day cycles, what?!)

H is coming home next week, he gets to visit the plastic couch again (to see if I paid too much for vitamins that do nothing) and I should be starting soon.

Hopefully his numbers go up.

Either way, I’m starting clomid as soon as they’ll give me the script for it.

Here we go!

A why me night

There is so much going on right now, but I’m having a seriously why me night.

I’ve been crying on an off all day and everytime I get “better” something knocks me right back.

I saw this video tonight for the first time and of course, I bawl like a big baby everytime I see it.

God knew I needed a laugh

This morning, is the city festival kick-off parade.

The parade in which I haven’t been home for in about 10 years (at least).

Our house is on the parade route.

I thought I’d get up and watch the people go by from the comfort of my porch.

Severe thunderstorm.

I walk out onto my porch and there is the ENTIRE group from a local bowling alley (complete with parrot mascot in costume).

Good times on the porch, good times on the porch.

For MacKenna

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel’s tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies’ lazy dance.
I’ll let you know I’m with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts.
‘Cause even though I’m gone now,
We’ll never truly part.

**Not written by me, unfortunately–I can’t remember where I read it! Sorry!**

I know, I know–updataes, schmupdates

So I haven’t been the best about updating. Sue me.

I’ve kind of been a rut lately and I’m hoping its just nerves about the RE appt or about matt leaving for the summer. I’ve been moody and cranky as hell. I’m not entirely sure what’s up with all of it.

Anywho, we’re back from California and we had a fantastic time. We hung out with a few west coast nesties and it was awesome putting a face/voice with a name! Everyone was so friendly and hospitable (esp megan and ray, they opened their house, drove their car and introduced the sights!)

We saw so much! I think my top 5 things were:

5)Disneyland (more specifically, watching Matt experience Disney for the first time). We had good food and fun and to watch my grown husbands face during the fireworks—priceless!

4)All of the good food: Esp those freaking strawberries. Yum!

3) Seeing all of the sights (Carmel, Monterey, Santa Cruz, Big Sur, Sausalito, San Francisco, Anaheim, San Juan, Capitola, etc).

2) Meeting some awesome people who I’ve known FOREVER (or at least it feels that way). My dad thought I was crazy for going out to spend time with people that “(you) don’t really know at all” but as I explained the situation, he changed his tone to “that’s really awesome though!”. 5 years ago I think he would have gone through the roof (he’s a little protective of his baby girl) but now that he’s actually gotten more active online he realizes that you can meet people (and be “friends” with them) that are really awesome.

and lastly

1) Spending time with matt on our “honeymoon”/first real vacation together/last real time together before he leaves for work (he’s gonna be gone for 3 months).

Matt’s top 5 list:
5)The general experience of going to Disney. Atmosphere, people, activities, people saying “happy birthday” to me when I had my button….everyone was just excited and happy to be there….except the select few!

4) Space Mountain. It was just unique and different, unlike any other rollercoaster I’ve ever been on.

(interject, i made him screw up on his video game because I’m harassing him about his top 5 list)

3)Meeting all of (your) friends. It was awesome to see people who knew all about the way cool things to see and do. It helped us see and do things we probably wouldn’t have done on our own.

2) Strawberry Daquiri night. Nothing like getting drunk on serious fruit drinks and then playing monopoly!

1) San Francisco. It was the best touring experience I’ve ever had. I saw things I might not have ever seen in my life otherwise.

(interject: I asked him why I wasn’t on his top five list..his reply: “Because I always like spending time with you and I shouldn’t have to write it on some list!”)

:laughs:

In other news, my first RE appt is Wednesday. I know that I’m not really going to get any answers at this point, but part of me wishes I’ll go in, they’ll look me over and say “oh, just take x vitamin and you’ll be ku instantly!”

Wouldn’t that be nice?
I’m gonna put a poll up somewhere to see what people think. :sighs: Ok, I’m going to bed for the night, I’m beat!

Mothers Day

Today, I am bitter.

I feel I have the right to be.

Today I should be celebrating my first mothers day as a mommy. I should be taking pictures of my glowing, smiling face holding my now-emerged baby bump. I should be sitting here, with the soon-to-be first time grandparents, ooooing and aaahing over ultrasound pictures and talking about my upcoming baby shower.

I should be counting down the days til full-term, a sigh of relief for all pregnant women.

Instead, I sit here, less than a week away from my 26th birthday. I sit here, 3 weeks (or so) away from my first appointment with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist). Today, I sit here, unsure if I will ever celebrate a mothers day with my own biological children.

Will I ever wake up to the sound of my children giggling as they bring me burnt toast as part of my breakfast in bed? Will I ever hear “I love you mommy!”?

I don’t know.

I do know that I will never forget this feeling. This feeling of isolation and emptiness. I will never forget the struggles and pains of my sisters struggling with the heartaches on mothers day and on fathers day.

There is nothing more natural than reproducing, but for so many of us, the most natural thing in the world escapes us. But yet we feel alone. We feel broken. We are constantly reminded of our losses, of our failures, of the gaping holes in our lives.

There isn’t a season where we aren’t reminded of the fact that we are infertile.

Spring: New life, rebirth, Easter Bunny, Easter Baskets, (in my case) being another year older, Mothers Day, Cute easter outfits

Summer: End of school, family vacations, parades, fourth of july parties, kids running around in sprinklers and parks, adorable babies–wearing only diapers–covered in watermelon, fathers day

Fall: Return to school, halloween, carving pumpkins, grandparents day, thanksgiving, trick-or-treating

Winter: Christmas morning, New Years, Holiday Cards, pictures with santa, Decorating the tree, Valentines day…

For those of us suffering the weight of empty arms, every day is a reminder, some more painful than others.

For those of us trying to recover from pregnancy losses, each day is a reminder of what we tasted and no longer have. We try to stay positive and we try not to dwell, but each special day is a reminder of what everyone else has and we have only memories of.

So instead of celebrating my first mothers day, I’m saying to all of you, let the rest of the world wish you happy mothers day, don’t hate me if I don’t share in their freely given warm wishes.