You expect my uterus to do WHAT?!?!

{May 10, 2009}   Mothers Day

Today, I am bitter.

I feel I have the right to be.

Today I should be celebrating my first mothers day as a mommy. I should be taking pictures of my glowing, smiling face holding my now-emerged baby bump. I should be sitting here, with the soon-to-be first time grandparents, ooooing and aaahing over ultrasound pictures and talking about my upcoming baby shower.

I should be counting down the days til full-term, a sigh of relief for all pregnant women.

Instead, I sit here, less than a week away from my 26th birthday. I sit here, 3 weeks (or so) away from my first appointment with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist). Today, I sit here, unsure if I will ever celebrate a mothers day with my own biological children.

Will I ever wake up to the sound of my children giggling as they bring me burnt toast as part of my breakfast in bed? Will I ever hear “I love you mommy!”?

I don’t know.

I do know that I will never forget this feeling. This feeling of isolation and emptiness. I will never forget the struggles and pains of my sisters struggling with the heartaches on mothers day and on fathers day.

There is nothing more natural than reproducing, but for so many of us, the most natural thing in the world escapes us. But yet we feel alone. We feel broken. We are constantly reminded of our losses, of our failures, of the gaping holes in our lives.

There isn’t a season where we aren’t reminded of the fact that we are infertile.

Spring: New life, rebirth, Easter Bunny, Easter Baskets, (in my case) being another year older, Mothers Day, Cute easter outfits

Summer: End of school, family vacations, parades, fourth of july parties, kids running around in sprinklers and parks, adorable babies–wearing only diapers–covered in watermelon, fathers day

Fall: Return to school, halloween, carving pumpkins, grandparents day, thanksgiving, trick-or-treating

Winter: Christmas morning, New Years, Holiday Cards, pictures with santa, Decorating the tree, Valentines day…

For those of us suffering the weight of empty arms, every day is a reminder, some more painful than others.

For those of us trying to recover from pregnancy losses, each day is a reminder of what we tasted and no longer have. We try to stay positive and we try not to dwell, but each special day is a reminder of what everyone else has and we have only memories of.

So instead of celebrating my first mothers day, I’m saying to all of you, let the rest of the world wish you happy mothers day, don’t hate me if I don’t share in their freely given warm wishes.


Kate says:

I also recently miscarried at 11 weeks. I woudl have been 4 1/2 months pregnant today. I am so sorry for your loss but your words are beautifully well said. Hang in there. *hugs*

Kayla says:

Mandie, I know all to well the pain and sorrow you speak of. I only wish there was something I could do to help. I want you to know that even though I too feel alone, hurt, bitter, sad… I do believe that one way or another we will both have children. I have no idea when, I have no idea how. I just believe that. I hope you may feel a little less alone knowing that there are many aching hearts out there and many ladies who would give you the biggest hug if they could (me included).

lellybu says:

I love you boober! And bitch you made me cry!

mrsmayt says:

I couldn’t have said it better!
Love u…

Nahir says:

I feel the same pain, people with children dont understand this feeling of emptiness of not having at least one, God, I only ask for one! I lost my baby when i was 4 motnhs pregnant, and after i signed papers so they could take him i couldnt i called and asked for my baby back. i have him in an urn. ‘m scared of getting pregnant again and just lose the baby like nothing, You just made me cry, thats how i feel 😦

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